


Memories Forgotten

by earthphoenix (roughknuckles)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, Dubious Consent, Love Confessions, M/M, Memories, Post - Prisoner of Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-03
Updated: 2007-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-13 14:15:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1229512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roughknuckles/pseuds/earthphoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Azkaban Sirius sits up late nights to brood, holidays such as Christmas are no different for the man who felt his life was wasted. However, he will soon discover that someone has been taking care of him, when the man stopped taking care of himself. One can only hope that he has the strength to return the favour.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sirius Black might have not remembered it, in fact, he didn't remember it. But all those years he spent in Azkaban, he had not been alone. Sure, there were other inmates, and of course there were the dementors. But that’s not the point here. Sirius was not alone in the sense that often times another person would be there, more like a strange, forbidden dream in such a dark place – because the dream suggested that Sirius was not alone. That someone, somewhere – when it could be managed, could find their way into Sirius’s cell, lay out next to him on the floor and wrap their arms around him, swallow him up in heavy, warm fabrics, and just hold him. It was a strange dream indeed.  
  
Sirius was in Grimmauld Place, just before Christmas, trying to decorate the huge, empty house that for him, was beginning to feel like Azkaban all over again. He'd abandoned the box of enchanted lights on the couch and sat in a huge chair by the empty fireplace, his long legs half folded under him as he stared blankly into the sooty, dark cavern.  
  
When Sirius reluctantly fell into sleep, he was once more weighed down by the heavy fabric. This time by a quilt. And warmth. This time from the fireplace. But regardless, Sirius had not done this, someone else had done it for him.  
  
The dream came again, the only good dreams he'd ever had in Azkaban - almost the opposite of a dementor, just a passing feeling in the night of being warm and safer. He sank into the dream for some time and when he opened his eyes, the pureblood paused, looking around. "Hello?"  
  
Sirius must still be dreaming. As there was a silhouette before the fire, kneeling, tending the fire. Thin, possibly tall if the figure stood – like a woman – long hair like a woman. But not a woman.  
  
He blinked, straightening a little, "Hey ... "  
  
"Sleep. You are still tired." The voice reminded him, not looking.  
  
Sirius cleared his throat, "How do you know, exactly? Did you ... the blanket and the fire ..." The firelight was bright around the figure, making details hard to see.  
  
"Because I know you." The figure paused, maybe smiling a little to himself, "I know what you will accept, and what you will not accept. And this is just a dream anyway."  
  
"Then turn around ..."  
  
The fire burned a little brighter, not just red, but orange and white. The figure shifted on his heels, to face Sirius, still in shadow, "Are you ready?" He was giving Sirius the choice.  
  
Sirius rolled one thin shoulder back and nodded, "Sure, turn around." Under the blanket, Sirius had his hand on his wand, ready.  
  
The figure did one better, he stood, like a piece of black string that was being stretched out and walked towards Sirius, hands open, empty, at either side. The closer he came to Sirius, the more the dream faded. Or maybe, the stranger the dream became.  
  
Sirius's hand stayed where it was and he shook his head a little, puzzled, "Okay ... this is the most fucked up one of my dreams has been in a long time ..." It was Snape. Slimy, skulking, Snape.  
  
"I know. But you asked to see."  
  
"So it was you with the blankets and the fire ..."  
  
"Yes." _And mor_ e.  
  
Sirius made a soft, disbelieving noise, "That makes zero sense."  
  
"Why does it have to make sense? Why can’t you accept the truth, when it is standing before you?"  
  
"But you hate me."  
  
"Does it look like I hate you?"  
  
"That's the part that makes no sense." He just paused, trying to wrap his head around the paradox, "So ... why? Why all this? Why skulk around?"  
  
"Because, as I said, I know you. And you won’t accept it any other way."  
  
"No, I mean why are you doing this in the first place?"  
  
"Ah." He paused, catching his breath as if he had just been flying at top speed to say it, "Because I believe I love you. And _that_ I **know** you will never accept. So to satisfy myself, I express it when I can, without you knowing."  
  
Sirius felt like his brain had just skipped, like a record and that he hadn't heard Snape correctly. _Because I believe I love to hate you. Because I believe I love yew trees. Because I believe I glove you_. "What?"  
  
"Because I believe" no, he _knew_ – he was here after all, wasn’t he? "I love you."  
  
There it is again. _I glove you. I love yu ... keleles. Elephant shoes._ "Oh ..." Sirius looked around, "Okay, I get it."  
  
He sighed a little, "No, I don’t think you do. But that’s alright. This is just a dream anyway. When you wake up tomorrow things will go back to what you are comfortable with. You’ll fly in the ball room with your godson, there will be another Order meeting, and I’ll leave before dinner, because you don’t really want me here."  
  
"But if you love me, why aren't you even decent to me in front of other people? You imply in front of everyone that I'm a lazy, moronic, knuckle-dragging jerk. And you ... love me?"

He smiled, just a little, "And if I did? Would you believe me then? I hardly think so, I act towards you what you expect from me. It’s what your comfortable with."  
  
Sirius stood up, blanket around him like a cloak, reflecting the light of the fire as he walked, "So you just follow me around and take care of me when I'm not looking."  
  
"Yes." Severus stood his ground.  
  
Sirius tilted his head, "Is Fred or George behind this?"  
  
Severus simply shook his head no, knowing that Sirius would never believe him.  
  
"Harry? Ron? Molly? Remus?"  
  
"No one is behind anything. There is only me here Sirius." He found it interesting that Sirius thought that he would ‘team’ up with anyone to play such a joke.  
  
"This ... isn't a dream," Sirius stared, full of questions now, "you're serious."  
  
"Yes, I always am."  
  
The purebloods eyebrows went up, "Um ... alright then," he rubbed the back of his own neck, "you love me. You, Snape, love me - Sirius Black ... why?"  
  
"Because you’re terrible to me" Severus said with a straight face, then snorted, "No … no." he breathed out, "Yes, I Severus Snape do love you, one Sirius Black. I love you because you are loyal, brave, intelligent, you are protective of those you care about … you don’t take bullshit … and you have nice hair."  
  
Sirius started laughing, breathlessly, in disbelief. "I ... okay, you almost had me going but then you started actually lying. Except for the hair part," he smirked, "my hair is fucking amazing."  
  
"I’m not asking you to believe me Sirius. I’m not asking anything from you. But I wouldn’t lie about something like this." Not that Sirius would know where one of Severus's truths begin and his lies end.  
  
Sirius stopped laughing and just stared, then stepped closer, looking almost angry. "You love me? You honestly think you love me?"  
  
Still Severus stood his ground, "Yes."  
  
Sirius swallowed, sick of how dangerously real Snape's bloody revenge prank was getting. "Yeah?" he crossed his own arms over his chest, "prove it."  
  
Severus raised his eyebrow, "How? I would think that being there when you needed someone most, but not alerting you to my undesired presence would have been proof enough. What is it that could possibly prove my love? I doubt there is such a thing, I believe, no matter what I do, you will be that much more in denial."  
  
"Okay, then just prove that you're not just yanking my chain here, because I'm not ..." _in any shape to be disappointed this way again_ "in the mood for any revenge bullshit."  
  
"Again. How would you like me to prove myself?"  
  
Sirius cleared his throat, hands on his hips, eyes just daring Snape to do it. "Kiss me, then."  
  
Severus’s eyes softened, "You really think I wouldn't? And when I do, my reward will be to get drop kicked and hexed into the next century … still …" Severus reached his hand out of the side of Sirius’s face, "it’s worth it" he whispered, before kissing Sirius carefully on the lips.  
  
Sirius's eyes went wide and he stepped back, not shoving Snape away, just moving back enough to breathe and mumble, "You're not kidding, gods, you really do ..." he laughed again, breathlessly, "you're ... insane. I'm not the sort of guy, I mean I'm not who I was back then, and ... "  
  
"I know Sirius." Severus said a little bit more quietly, he had been there after all when Sirius had changed.  
  
The pureblood, thin and pale, was actually blushing as he bit his lip and looked down. "I ... how did this happen? When? How long ago did you find out you ..."  
  
"In our seventh year, I realized I wasn't excited about leaving school, starting a new chapter in my life … I realized, that I was going to miss you. And that thought disturbed me for a while, until I understood why I was going to miss you."  
  
"And," Sirius whispered, swallowing thickly, "why was that?"  
  
"Not because of our fights, but because you were a fighter. Not because you were necessarily good to me, but because you _were_ , good." Severus took another deep breath, "I was going to miss seeing you every day, how you laughed, smiled …"  
  
Sirius's eyes met Severus's, probing into them and for the first time, finding solace in the solid black. "Since school?" He repeated incredulously, "we were just kids, I was a jerk, I ..." he paused, "did you miss me?"  
  
"Yes, I missed you Sirius. And when it was too much to bear … well, at least there were the dreams."  
  
Sirius swallowed tightly. He had never, never admitted it to anyone else and only barely to himself when he was drinking, but he missed Snape. He missed the friction, he missed fighting with him, bickering, the constant tension he could count on every time they were in a room together. Anyone else he bothered, even affectionately after school either stared at Sirius like he was a lunatic or gave up instantly, going belly up. Sometimes literally. "Dreams? You ... had dreams about me?"  
  
"Yes. Simple, and comforting. Just enough." Though Severus’s dreams, as this interlude between them clearly served as evidence, were not dreams at all.  
  
Sirius had dreams too, he used to and Severus would be in almost every one of them, but he'd taken that for granted. Of course Severus was in his dreams, he was his arch-nemesis, his rival, his ... Sirius licked his own suddenly bone-dry lips and forced his voice into working, "Did you think I turned James and Lily in?"  
  
"No, I didn't. And yet, there was nothing I could do about it."  
  
"So when I was ... when I went to..." Sirius felt himself chill a little at just the thought of his long years in the sunless prison.  
  
"I would dream." Severus explained the reality Sirius had forgotten, "Hold you while you slept; keeping you warm; protecting you, when you were too tired to protect yourself."  
  
Sirius twitched suddenly, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped, "You!"  
  
One of Severus’s shoulders rolled back as a twitch, he fought hard to resist the flight response at Sirius’s reaction.  
  
Sirius's hands flexed wide and he grabbed Severus's arms, "You! It was you-" he babbled, "you were ... I remember, I remember blankets and times I actually slept, it was almost unbearable and then all of a sudden I could sleep. That was you ..."  
  
Severus blinked, and barely nodded in response; he had never expected Sirius to remember, not ever.  
  
"Yes or no, I really need you to say it. Yes?"  
  
"Y-Yes Sirius ... it was me."  
  
He went still and quiet, his grey eyes going softer before he spoke with a quaking voice, "I was ready to die ... I was ready to die every time you found me, I thought I was just losing my mind, that I snapped and started imagining things."  
  
Severus was hushed for a long time, "Was it selfish? Should I not have come?"  
  
Sirius stepped closer and shook his head, "You are the only reason I survived ...."  
  
Severus’s heart leapt, and he felt himself lean forward as Sirius drew closer. His arms were around the man’s shoulders, drawing them together, chest to chest in one of their forbidden hugs. "Sirius-"  
  
Sirius closed his eyes and his head sank against Snape's shoulder, feeling the strangely familiar embrace with a shiver, "How did you get in there?"  
  
"You’re not the only animagius in the world, you know."  
  
Sirius paused and swallowed, "What ... what are you?"  
  
Severus tucked his head a little against the side of Sirius’s neck, "You’ll laugh."  
  
"Just tell me." Sirius wrapped both of his arms around Severus.  
  
"A moth."  
  
Sirius closed his eyes and let his face rest against Severus's neck. "Not laughing ..."  
  
The two men just stood there, stuck in the constant embrace, unable to do anything else, not wanting anything else. Severus kissed Sirius’s neck, just briefly.  
  
Sirius raised his head and brought his face closer, closing the distance between their noses and then their lips. He kissed Severus, very gently, shaking a little.  
  
Severus’s breath was tight, strained into nearly a whimper, his hand coming up to the side of Sirius’s face, thumbing over the line of his face – kissing a little more.  
  
Sirius sighed into the kiss and tilted his head, taking the last step between them and brushing his hand up Severus's back, into his hair, threading his long fingers into the surprisingly soft, clean hair at the back of Snape's neck.  
  
Severus gasped, then laughed shortly, shoulders beginning to shake, voice broken over each word, "I- I- c-can’t … be-lie-ve … I- "  
  
Sirius just shook his head and took Severus firmly by the shoulders, kissing him again to silence him.  
  
For something as small and delicate as a moth, they usually had only the capacity for one feeling at any given time – either all anger, or all love, or all … something. It was focused, driven, and absolutely devoted to that one thing. And right now? That one thing was kissing Sirius. Pressing their lips together, opening his mouth a little to let out a moan, moaning, moaning into Sirius’s mouth.  
  
"Thank you," Sirius murmured between their mouths, kissing him again as though they were already lovers separated for years.  
  
Severus kissed Sirius a little harder, making up for the fact that he was still shaking a bit in Sirius’s arms. _So good, so beautiful, so good … Sirius._  
  
"Thank you, thank you, thank you ..." Sirius kissed him over and over, his palms flat on Severus's back again, pressing his chest and hips against Snape's. It felt so natural to do this, to kiss his rival this way, to pull him closer instead of push him. No matter how many people Sirius had kissed in his youth, he'd never been so willing, so unabashedly needy for anyone.  
  
"Sirius-" Severus gasped between their lips, their breaths, "It was selfish, I did it … I was … I just … I love you, love you Sirius."  
  
Sirius nodded, looking at Snape close up as though he'd never actually seen him before. "I still don't understand why you do, but ..." Sirius leaned their foreheads together, closing his eyes as he stroked one hand down Snape's angular face. "I believe you."  
  
Severus smiled, relieved. Wrapping his arms around Sirius familiarly, keeping them together. Hoping that in turn, this wasn't a dream.   
  
Sirius kissed Severus again, memories coming back of all the moments in Azkaban that he actually felt lucid, and now knowing that they were all because Severus wouldn't let him rot in there alone. "Severus?"  
  
Severus’s eyes had begun to close, relaxed when Sirius spoke his name, "Yes?" he breathed.  
  
"I want to lay down with you again," he kissed the side of Severus's face, letting his own dark eyelashes brush Snape's cheek.  
  
Severus was being invited to stay, he was not being sent away. "I’d like that, I’d like to do that with you again."  
  
Sirius nodded, taking Severus's hand and leading him out of the livingroom, up the stairs, walking backwards as they kissed again and again.

 

*                    *                    *

 

Severus couldn't help but smile each time Sirius kissed him, breaking it for a moment, finding the notion almost unbelievable. Sirius was taking him to his room, _his room!_  
  
He walked backwards with Severus down the fourth story hallway, out of breath as he leaned back against his bedroom door, hugging Snape tightly, "I can't believe this is ... happening."  
  
"Me … either …" yet they were holding hands, Severus squeezed at Sirius’s hand a little, then swallowed, feeling as though his heart were going to beat a hole right out of his chest.  
  
Sirius grinned widely at the touch, and reached back with his other hand, opening the door to the large, eerily beautiful room he still slept in, distracting Severus by kissing his neck.  
  
Severus followed – not once thinking that Sirius was doing this to hurt him, to draw him in like a spider draws in prey to their web. If he were, that’s all he would be able to think about. As it was, all Severus could think about was holding Sirius in his arms once more, like he so wanted to. Since Sirius’s return, he hadn't been able to have the time, nor the privacy to curl up next to him on dark nights. All he had been able to manage were warm fireplaces and heavy blankets, and even then it was proving riskier with each attempt, as this evening proved – Sirius had woken up. And thank Merlin he had. Look where they were now. _Sirius’s room, Sirius’s bed, Sirius._  
  
Sirius led him back to his bed that he'd learned to sleep in all over again and sat on the edge, arms still around Severus's shoulders as he laid back, pulling Severus down with him. "This already feels familiar..."  
  
Severus nodded in agreement, part of the familiarity on Severus’s behalf was not speaking. Being with Sirius and loving him, but not speaking. But touch, touching and holding, it was more powerful, meaningful then any words Severus felt he could organize.  
  
Sirius laughed, almost a giggle, "I can't believe this is actually happening, if I woke up this morning and someone told me we'd be doing this-"  
  
Severus rested his hand on the center of Sirius’s chest, while the other was under the back of Sirius’s head as they lay together. "Can you believe it enough to not push me out of bed in the morning?" He joked, but it was an actual concern.  
  
Sirius laughed, "I'm pretty sure," he turned and wound one arm around Severus's waist, letting their foreheads touch. "I just ... you bloody broke into Azkaban! No one breaks INTO Azkaban!"  
  
"No?" Severus smiled a little, just as unbelieving that Sirius was holding him back. "Must have been a dream." Severus maintained.  
  
Sirius huffed, "That's just cheesy," but he smiled, eyes closed, nose tucked against the hollow of Snape's cheek.  
  
"You didn't seem to mind all those years."  
  
"Shut up and kiss me." He nuzzled Severus's face, head tilting, almost kissing him.  
  
Severus smiled again, pressing his lips against Sirius’s mouth, kissing him – for Severus it was strange because he found himself strangely relaxed, strangely comfortable with this.  
  
Sirius hummed a little, eyebrows going up a little as he returned the kiss. _Where the hell did he learn to kiss like that?_  
  
Severus stretched his arms further out, locking themselves around Sirius’s body. Both men were thin, not quite at the height of health due to their respective past circumstances – but they were also strong, stronger then most realized, stronger then perhaps they had given each other credit for. Severus groaned, slow, drawn out as they kissed.  
  
Sirius murmured between their lips, "Did you ever kiss me?"  
  
"The back of your neck, once … or twice. Never like this." No matter how much he might have wanted to.  
  
"Did you ever want to?" He half smirked.  
  
"Yes Sirius, oh yes, I wanted to."  
  
Sirius outright smiled, hands curling in the fabric of Snape's robes, "Even during school?" He was teasing the other man with his lips, almost brushing them together.  
  
"I … wanted-" Severus laughed, a little annoyed, "Stop that" and he kissed Sirius.  
  
Sirius giggled childishly into the kiss but kissed him back fully, the laugh fading into a moan.  
  
Severus rolled himself carefully over Sirius, arms locked before him, holding himself up, just off of Sirius as they kissed, black hair framing either side of his face.  
  
"Mmm," Sirius leaned up, locking their lips and raking his fingers down Severus's back slowly.  
  
Severus’s back arched to the touch, stomach and hips pressing down as his shoulders and arms remained fixed. Some people saw Black, others an escaped convict, others still, a frustrated and lonely man – Severus saw, "You’re so beautiful Sirius" he whispered, moaning softly against Sirius’s lips.  
  
He moaned as Severus's hips pressed into him and one of his hands went to the front of Snape's heavy robe, touching the buttons. He actually blushed and gasped, "I'm not ... not any more ..." he just kissed him again.  
  
"You are … Merlin Sirius, you are, you are-" Severus kissed the unbelieving man over and over, harder – thrilled that Sirius could see past Severus’s flaws enough to kiss, to touch, to invite him into his room, his bed.  
  
Sirius undid the first button of Severus's coat and his mouth moved to the man's neck, kissing softly, down the line of tendon and wiry muscle.  
  
A lump bobbed in Severus’s throat as he swallowed, lips beginning to part as he gasped at the feeling. "Sirius-" he breathed, licking his lips.  
  
Sirius kissed his lips again, murmuring, "Mmm?" as he undid a second button, and a third.  
  
Severus shook his head slightly, only indicating that he wanted to say Sirius’s name, before kissing him again – letting Sirius touch, explore him – letting himself be touched, be explored. It was delightful.  
  
Sirius's hand followed the parting of Severus's ubiquitous black coat, feeling the line of his covered chest, his stomach, down to his hips, marvelling at how warm he was, almost like a human furnace bottled up inside the strict looking clothes.  
  
Severus smiled slightly, kissing the corner of Sirius’s lips as he requested, "Slip your hands under the back of my robes, I want to feel your hands…"  
  
Sirius moaned and for once, obeyed, sliding his hands around the back of Severus's waist, and then up under the cover of Severus's white shirt, against his back. It felt like the warmth from Severus's skin melted any lingering pain in Sirius's abused joints and the pureblood let his fingers circle slowly.  
  
Severus quickly drew in breath as the initial touch (even though he had asked for it). He then kissed Sirius’s lips, the strong line of his jaw, up his cheek bone. Severus groaned hotly just next to Sirius’s ear, "Your hands … I thought …" he groaned again at the simplest of touch, "it’s good."  
  
"Thought about my hands?" He let them glide a little further up as they kissed.  
  
"Yes-" Sirius’s hands had been known to throw Severus up against the nearest wall by the collar of his school uniform, or give him a beating, he might have deserved. Severus groaned at the memory, he had been hard then too. "I- I’m surprised … they’re gentle." _He’s gentle._  
  
Sirius paused and frowned a little at Snape's surprise, but that's how things had been, he'd only touched Snape before to harass him, to arrest his attention, to clutch at him or _... was I really that oblivious?_   "I can be gentle ..." He purred, starting to stroke Severus's spine, letting his palms linger over the small of his back.  
  
Severus sighed, his tight muscles stretched too far, for too long; though Severus felt himself relax. "It’s nice…" he kissed the side of Sirius’s face, then down his neck, nose just under the robe of Sirius’s ear, lips parting as he kissed Sirius’s skin, sensually licking the tip of his tongue with every spot he kissed.  
  
Sirius moaned, "Ohhhhh ... gods, I have a ... my neck is really ..." His breath sped suddenly, every inch of him feeling hot, feverish at the touch of Severus's mouth.  
  
"Good" Severus supplied, "Really, really … good" he spoke evenly, smooth. Severus devoted his mouth to Sirius’s neck, humming or gasping each time Sirius touched a part of his back that made him twitch unexpectedly, eager for more, which made his high cheek bones begin to flush with a hint of color.  
  
"Mmm ... ohgods ... your shirt is coming off-" he decided, stripping the shirt off of Severus urgently and tossing it away, letting his hands roam over his shoulders, down his arms. Sirius's head was tipped back, he was panting, his own hips pressing up and up and up softly.  
  
Similarly, Severus was rubbing back, the two worked in hypnotic tandem, a rhythmic brushing, brushing, brushing. Severus kissed Sirius’s neck, then gasped sharply, having to shift his thighs, it felt good. So beyond words, good.  
  
The pureblood's eyes widened at the feeling of Severus against him and groaned quietly, "Okay ... my shirt is coming off ..." he whimpered and took Severus's wrist, guiding it to his own shirt.  
  
Severus grinned, pleased as his fingers twisted against the hem of Sirius’s shirt, pushing up, then peeling the shirt off, one arm, then the other – then discarded it "Better?"  
  
Sirius nodded, tipping his head back even more, "Much, much better" His thigh slipped between Snape's, rubbing him, the bulge of his balls, as they worked together through their clothes. "Fuck ..." he moaned.  
  
Severus blinked, thinking that Sirius was asking, or telling, or – he didn't know, so he ignored it, stretching himself over Sirius’s body carefully, leaning against him more, pinned back against the bed, his hand rested on Sirius’s chest, around his rib cage where he could feel the man’s heart beat. Severus kissed Sirius’s neck again, licking short, but wet lines as he pressed his tongue against the pureblood’s skin.  
  
Sirius stroked his hands down Severus's sides, to his waist, "Gods, you're driving me crazy ..." he gasped as Snape lapped at the most sensitive spot on his neck. Sirius's skin was flushed, his nipples darker and hard, a little sweat starting to pool between his collarbones, just over the tattoo there.  
  
"I like it Sirius … I love it … you want me to stop?"  
  
Sirius laughed a little and moaned deeply, "No! No, Merlin, no, don't stop ..." He leaned up and kissed Severus's mouth again as they shifted on the bed, his hands going to Snape's hips.  
  
"Mmmm-" Severus hummed into Sirius’s mouth, constantly rubbing, constantly touching. He slid his hand down Sirius’s side, palming his stomach, his hip, "Don’t stop?" He asked again.  
  
Sirius groaned, "Do not stop, keep going, Merlin ..." he kissed him again, harder, needy. Just the touch to his hip was almost unbearably good, "Sev-"  
  
Severus slipped his hand under Sirius’s pants, flat against the skin, not leaving either in any position to bolt. Twisting his hand down Sirius’s thigh, Severus palmed Sirius’s sex with a heavy groan, rubbing up against him again, this time giving a gentle squeeze each time.  
  
"Ahh-" Sirius's body curled at the touch and then arched back, breathing roughly, "Ohhhgods, ohgods ... yes ..."  
  
Severus whimpered desperately, breathing heavy against Sirius’s skin as he leaned against him, while his other hand moved down and began to go under Sirius’s pants, pushing them just off his hips so that he had some room, stroking Sirius’s cock with a groan, his own skin tingling the more he touched Sirius, the more he made the man writhe in his hand, groan into his mouth.  
  
"Sev ... Severus ..." he moaned, arching and rubbing himself against Severus's warm, large hand, "so good, so good ..." Sirius started to slip the button of Severus's trousers undone, lowering the zipper.  
  
"Sirius- Merlin-" Severus gasped, "Please … before I cum in my pants" he continued to stroke Sirius at length.  
  
Sirius groaned and forced the pants down, slipping his hand inside and feeling Snape's length with a moan and a smile, "You're ... ohhhhgods, you're so ..."  
  
Severus pushed himself into Sirius’s touch, his back bridged up, curved, his face still pressed against Sirius’s neck, gasping, breathing, kissing when he could – the hallow between their chests was punctuated by the deep filling of air in their chests. "Sirius- Sirius- I want to feel you … I want to feel you cum in my hand" he said breathlessly, stroking him faster, hand firm, but sliding with ease with sweat and precum.  
  
Sirius could just nod, gasping, so close already as he stroked Severus quickly. His cock twitched slightly, then harder, drawing another plaintive moan from his chest and then he came, clutching Severus close with one arm and crying out wordlessly.  
  
Severus’s hand was soaked, sticky and warm as he slowed down after Sirius came, yet still stroking, still touching – riding them both out as he had done the same, a small, sharp gasp and Severus came at Sirius’s touch, his breath came in small jolts through his nose which rested against Sirius’s salty neck.  
  
Sirius groaned again, squeezing Snape as he came into his palm, stroking the hot, slick fluid down his shaft over and over, slower every time until finally they were just holding each other, shivering on top of the blankets in bed.  
  
Severus did not want to ruin this moment with words. He felt good, and it wasn't just the sense of euphoria left after giving one another a hand job – Severus Snape really felt good in Sirius’s embrace. He wanted it to last. Perhaps it was selfish, but he wanted that feeling to last forever, at least, the rest of his life.  
  
"That was ... I mean this is ..." Sirius let his arm wind around Snape's back, his palm just brushing his sweat-beaded skin, "this is good."  
  
Severus nodded, tucking his face against Sirius’s neck, _don’t leave me. Not now. Now that I feel something, now that I really feel alive_. Severus wrapped his arms around Sirius similarly, eyes lightly closed. _I do love you._  
  
Sirius just sighed and pressed his lips against Severus's forehead, "You're not going to just ... take off now or anything, are you?"  
  
"No-" Severus gasped, almost cried, "No." He held himself to Sirius that much more tightly, the way he had said it was in the same manner that he would defy the dark lord.  
  
Sirius relaxed, and nodded, both arms going around Severus now, "Good," he whispered, almost to himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Remus knocked on Sirius’s door curiously, usually he was the first one down the stairs Christmas morning, "Sirius? Are you up yet? We’re doing presents in ten minutes!"  
  
Sirius sighed, groaning a little as he turned over, snuggling into Severus's chest under the thick blankets and ignoring the annoying sound outside.  
  
Remus turned the knob on the door and began to open the door. "Sirius? Come on sleepy-!"   
  
Severus panicked, he rolled out from under the covers and dropped to the floor, sliding just under the bed, reaching for his clothes to cover himself with as he shivered, teeth already chattering.  _Why did I just do that?_  But it was too late now. He was naked and hiding under the bed.   
  
Remus sat on the side of Sirius’s bed, "Hey, are you alive?"  
  
Sirius blinked, looking around, "Wha? What are you doing here?"  
  
Remus smiled, "Come on sleepy- it’s Christmas, remember? Gifts? Food? Ten minutes. We already did stockings, Harry didn’t want to wait."  
  
 _Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold._  Severus’s teeth chattered, and he put his hand over his mouth.  
  
"Where's ..." Sirius looked around, puzzled, sitting up in bed with the blankets around his hips. "Did you see anyone run out of here?"  
  
"What? No." Remus adverted his eyes, _oh god, you’re naked._  "So … we’ll be seeing you down stairs then … right? Right." Remus got up.

Sirius got up, blanket around his waist and started opening the closets in his room, "Goddamnit, he said he wasn't going to ..."  
  
"Who?" Remus fidgeted with the edge of his new scarf.  
  
Sirius just grumbled, "The guy I just had sex with, are you going to stand there and watch me look for him or what?"  
  
"Uh-uh … uh. HappyChristmas." Remus said in a rush, almost as fast as he left.  
  
"S---- sooo coo coooold." Severus rolled out from under the bed, a hand, already slightly purple, drained of color clung onto the side of the bed as he pulled himself up.  
  
"You! What the hell was that about? Do you know how crazy I just looked?"  
  
Severus just shivered, "S- sss—pp pppp-a …" his teeth chattered uncontrollably, legs stiff as he looked at Sirius apologetically, "ppppa-anicked" he finally managed.  
  
"Panicked?" Sirius walked over with a sigh, "Get back in bed for Merlin's sake, you look like a Snape-sicle."  
  
Severus’s knees barely bent and he more or less just fell back into bed, still hopelessly clutching at his robes that he had found on the floor, but they were just as cold. "S—s---- sorry."  
  
Sirius crawled in with him, covering them both, "Why the hell did you run away?"  
  
Severus shook his head, "P-panicked … di-i-dn’t mean too."  
  
"It's just Remus, for god's sake," he hugged Snape closer, his own pulse calming a little.  _He didn't bolt, he didn't bolt_.  
  
Severus was not comforted by this at all, just because he liked Sirius, didn’t necessarily mean he liked anyone else – and most assuredly didn’t want them to see him naked. "Siii- ssoorryy Siri-us."  
  
"Shh, shh." Sirius rubbed Snape's back with a wry, amused grin. "Bloody nutcase," he laughed, "I think Remus thinks I've actually gone right off the deep end this time."  
  
Severus curled himself closer to Sirius’s body, slowly becoming warmer himself, "… h-happy Christmas."  
  
"Happy Christmas," Sirius sighed with a smile, much relieved.   
  
Severus was quite for a little while, calming himself as he breathed against Sirius’s chest, "Do you have anything I can borrow, to wear?" Severus did not want to wear black on Christmas. Maybe, really really dark green? But not black.  
  
"Sure, there's a bunch of stuff in the big closet by the door," he grinned, kissing Severus's face, "I'm sure you'll like it, it's all the pureblood crap I never wear."  
  
"Thank you." Severus turned his head up, kissing Sirius softly, bravely.  
  
Sirius hummed against his lips, "We should go downstairs ..."  
  
Severus hesitated, "I didn't get anything, for anyone." He hadn't actually been invited over except for brush later in the morning.  
  
"Don't worry about it, come on. Everyone knows you." Sirius got out of bed, stark naked and went searching for clothes in the piles that decorated his floor.  
  
"Everyone knows me?" Severus sat up in bed, frowning a little before slipping out of bed, toes curling against the floor as he walked over to the closet, searching for something suitable to wear. He made his choice quickly, he was too cold not to. Severus had found something green, a nice hunter green, with white cord around the hem, collar, and sleeves.   
  
"Well, you know, Harry, Dumbledore, Weasleys-" Sirius pulled on some black trousers and tossed a wine colored sweater on before going into the adjoining bathroom to wash his face.  
  
Severus did not think they knew him at all. As, had Severus been invited, he would have gotten people gifts. He did not understand how Sirius could say this. He dressed, pulling the robes over his body with a sigh, buttoning himself up in Sirius’s clothes.   
  
Sirius walked out of the bathroom pushing his hair back and paused, looking at Severus, "Not bad ..."  
  
"Thanks." Severus pulled his hair out of the back of his collar, letting his hang down between his shoulder blades.   
  
"Look, if you want to get presents why not apparate to diagon alley, get something small for everyone and come back?"  
  
"You think any of the shops will be open?"  
  
"Probably, not everyone does Christmas. Oh, won't one of those insane muggle coffee shops be open? _Star-_ something? They sell stuff."  
  
Severus swallowed, bringing his thumb up to his lips in thought; an anxious habit he had when he was four or five, and had not reverted back to since that time in his life, "Hmm … I’ll be back then."  
  
Sirius walked over to him, "You sure?"  
  
Severus nodded once, smoothing his hand down the side of Sirius’s arm, "I’ll try not to be too long. Though I'm sure you will all be done by the time I get back."  
  
"Well it's up to you, if you just wanted to go, I mean ... "  
  
"No-" Severus made himself clear as he caught Sirius’s eyes, "I'm coming back" he kissed the side of Sirius’s face.  
  
Sirius caught his hands and held them there as he moved closer, hugging his unexpected ally.  
  
"I'm coming back" he said again, softer. Severus just held Sirius close with a happy sigh.  
  
"I know," he nodded with a sigh, but it took him a long minute to let Snape go.  
  
Sirius joined everyone downstairs with a grin and shrugged off his lateness, saying he slept in a little. Soon he was digging through the presents on the floor like one of the kids, laughing and having a gift wrap fight with Harry, and decorating Ron with glittery bows.

 

*                    *                    *

 

When Severus returned, stepping into the living room, all eyes were upon him, he blushed – no – the color in his face was from the cold, the contrast of coming inside from outside. "Happy Christmas" he said gently, he wasn't expected for another few hours, if ‘expected’ at all. Everyone present, got a present. Every last Weasley, every single auror. Everyone. All wrapped, albeit in the same red wrapping paper, everyone got something, and that was the point.  
  
Sirius just grinned, amused and a little proud. Severus actually got everyone a present, no stiffing the Weasleys, no tossing Harry a lump of coal. It was nice.  
  
Everyone looked a little surprised, even wary as they started unwrapping their gifts.  
  
 _There. So much for the Severus Snape everyone knows and loathes. You don’t know me_. And for once Severus wanted to do something about it.  
  
Curled up on the couch with his wife, Author Weasley got a muggle trench coat and umbrella (an inside joke considering the last time they had seen one another).  
  
Tonks got neon purple arm warmers which she immediately pulled onto her thin, long arms as Kingsley examined the three very rare collectors cards of famous witches and wizards that he was missing from his set he had since his childhood. And Remus got a new wool sweater, and a bag of assorted chocolates. 

Sirius got twelve, individually wrapped one-pound bags of coffee, each a different flavor from different countries.  
  
Dumbledore got silk socks and a pound bag of lemon heads.   
  
Everyone was a little ... silent when they opened their presents, especially Harry when he unwrapped a very rare Bulgarian Quidditch magazine, which of course made Ron scowl, "Wow ... Um, thanks, Professor."  
  
Everyone else did the same, surprised and not really sure how to react to the sudden generosity. Ron whispered, "His grinchy heart grew three sizes that day ..."  
  
Severus watched as Molly unfolded a large toss blanket, covering her and Author’s lap, drawing themselves closer with a smile.  
  
Hermione got a wizarding atlas that distinguished the different zones in relationship to muggle territories.   
  
Dumbledore nodded to the tree and summoned a heavy rectangular present, handing it to Severus, "There you go ..."  
  
"Oh…" Severus blinked, taking up the gift, "Thank you sir."  
  
A few more presents found their way to Severus, collecting around his feet.  
  
Severus just stood there, dumbly, beyond confused. He looked to Dumbledore for an explanation.  
  
Dumbledore just shrugged. "Have a seat Severus, there's a spot on the sofa near Sirius ..."  
  
Severus shuffled over and sat down, opened the one Dumbledore had handed him first.  _I got a present_. This singular thought played over for him as he undid the wrapping.  _I got … presents._  
  
Everyone else looked through their remaining presents, some being unwrapped but really everyone was watching to see what Snape got.  
  
The present from Dumbledore was a brand new book with a black leather front,  _An Encyclopedia of Potions_ , it was titled with the author's name underneath  _by S. Snape._  Dumbledore looked perfectly innocent, "Ah yes, and the publisher I spoke of called ... it seems it's gone to print."  
  
"Oh-" Severus clearly whimpered, "so it seems …" he smiled, he really did, "I got published!"  
  
Dumbledore nodded, "Yes, it should be on shelves shortly. Congratulations!"  
  
Severus thumbed through it, yes, this was _his book_. "… thank you …" he said, breathless.  
  
Sirius looked over his shoulder at the book, grinning like an idiot.  
  
"I merely acquired an advance copy," Dumbledore smiled.

Hermione dared to move a little closer, "Is that a text book? Will we need it for next term?"  
  
Severus turned the book so that she could read it properly, reluctantly letting go so that the eager girl might look at it. Severus was excited,  _PUBLISHED!_  
  
Hermione sat on the floor, flipping through the book eagerly. Molly nodded, "Congratulations, Severus-"  
  
"Thank you" Severus said again, then picked up one of the gifts that had been dumped at his feet, looking for a name to be sure that it was in fact, for him. Which seemed absurd.  
  
 _To Professor Snape from Harry.  
  
This is very strange._ Severus looked to Sirius first, _you’re godson is going to kill me in your living room, you do know that, don’t you?_ Then he looked to Harry, just as his finger slipped under the wrapping and opened his gift.  
  
Sirius just laughed, looking to Harry, trying to guess what it was. Under the wrapping was a brown box, a smaller box and inside was a black teacup and saucer. Harry blushed and looked at the tree.  
  
Severus smirked, amused, lifting it out of the box and balancing it on his knee, "Thank you Harry." Severus used the boy’s proper name as evidence as part of his thanks.  
  
Tonks and Kingsley gave Snape a sneakoscope, the Weasleys gave him a green and black scarf with an S on it, Hermione gave him some new quills and Ron scribbled his name on some ink. Sirius's gift, however was missing.  
  
Severus gave each individual (regardless if they were a tagalong gift giver or not) a sincere thanks. Severus did not necessarily notice that Sirius’s gift was missing, he looked to Sirius, eyes still a little wide, unbelieving, _I got presents_!   
  
Sirius grinned and leaned over, whispering, "I'll give you your present later ..."  
  
Severus smiled, but now he was blushing, there was no need for his skin to go warm – he was already warm, "Ok" he said just as quietly.  
  
Remus choked on the piece of chocolate he was eating on when he saw Sirius lean over to speak with Severus so familiarly.  
  
Sirius looked over at the noise and turned bright red, "Um, 'cuse me..." he looked at Remus, "I'm going to make coffee."  
  
Severus just sighed, and unwrapped the scarf from around his neck, placing all this thing together in a pile, getting his book back from Hermione.   
  
Sirius just hauled Remus off the couch and steered him into the kitchen closing the door, "Hello? Breathing now?"  
  
"Maybe-" Remus gagged still, holding onto Sirius’s arm, "… what’s … what’s …" _try again Remus_ , "what’s going on?"  
  
Sirius sighed and hopped up, sitting on the counter, "Snape is in love with me."  
  
A sudden, almost howling laughter came from the kitchen. Remus was laughing so hard he really couldn't breathe now.  
  
Sirius slapped his hand over Remus's mouth, "Shut up. He does. He told me so last night."  
  
"What?!" Remus mumbled into Sirius’s hand, he pulled his hand away after a moment, "That’s … that’s … _what?!_ "  
  
"I know!" he whispered, "That's what I said to but, Remus ..." Sirius sighed, "He used to break into ... the prison. He broke in just to make sure I was doing okay."  
  
"Sirius …" Remus shook his head no, "what are you talking about? Sirius, he … Snape, he … how would he get into Azkaban? Why would he come see you? He doesn't like you … and if he said he did, it’s probably just some joke … or he’s been drugged up to think so … I … Sirius, think about this."  
  
"Remus, I'm not joking and neither was he. I can't tell you how but he had a way and I actually remember the visits, I just thought I was dreaming when they happened. He saved my life. He used to break in and just ... wrap me in a blanket and hold me. It was the only time I felt like I could breathe, like someone pulled me out of water for a little while sometimes and let me catch my breath."  
  
Remus frowned, "Sirius, whatever he’s trying to lead you on to believe is very dangerous …"  
  
"Why do you think he's leading me on?" Sirius narrowed his eyes a little, "He loves me. He told me so, and I believe him."  
  
"Sirius- I just don’t want you to get hurt again, alright? Why now? Why all of the sudden? What if he has other motivations? What if he’s just trying to get close to hurt you?"  
  
"Why is it so impossible to believe that someone might actually be in love with me?"  
  
"Sirius, stop turning my words around. I'm saying that it’s very strange that HE would be in love with you."  
  
"Well he is! If I think he is, then that should be good enough for you."  
  
"…" Remus just stood there dumbfounded, "You know what, fine. I was just trying to be a good friend and look out for you, you’d do the same for me."  
  
Sirius laughed, "No I wouldn't! If someone was in love with you, I'd just say good for you and go be happy for once!"  
  
"Right, so if say … Bellatrix Lestrange was honest to Merlin in love with me, you’d say for us to go off and be happy together?"  
  
"Bellatrix is a bloody murderer!"  
  
"So is Snape."  
  
"He is not!" Sirius stood now, off of the counter.  
  
"I don’t understand this … all of the sudden you are so quick to defend him, you have to see it from my point of view Sirius, it is very suspicious … he is a death eater, he has killed."  
  
"Yeah well from your point of view I was a bloody murderer for twelve years!"  
  
"Wow … ok, so that’s what this is about, really? Because he … what, let me guess, said that he believed you all along, how he wished he could do something, and so you believe him? And now he’s close to you … close to Harry … Merlin only knows what he really wants."  
  
"YOU'VE always been the one with something against him, Remus. Why? What about him do you hate so fucking much? Because-" his voice dropped, "I remember that Peter wasn't the first one of us I took the blame for. Shrieking Shack ring a bell!?"  
  
Remus was red, fuming, hands curled into tight fists, "You had to bring that up right? Of course. But don’t you dare think you aren't blameless. Whatever I was then, whatever it was that made me who I was then, was because of you and James. I came into that school with no direction, and the two of you were quite happy to give it to me. No Sirius, whatever I did, if I took things too far, it was because I learned it from you."  
  
"A prank and pre-meditated murder are two different things!!! You know what James and I did? We changed the color of people's hair, we charmed candles to make obscene shapes. We DIDN'T try to kill people for fuck's sake!"  
  
"Oh, you did more and you know it! Why, there was a time you couldn't go ten paces without being strung up by your ankles! And that was just the beginning. I wasn't trying to kill anyone, just give the nosey bastard a good scare."  
  
"As A WEREWOLF!? On a full moon!? And being strung up by ankles is not being torn apart and killed, Remus. You never could put things into perspective!"  
  
"You and James had your strengths, I had mine!" Remus growled, "And no, I didn't know I was taking it too far, I DIDN’T KNOW!" James Potter and Sirius Black didn't know it, but they had been Remus’s teacher of right and wrong, not exactly the best of role models.  
  
"Remus, you freaked out if either James or I even thought of going near you as ourselves!"  
  
"Ugh!" Remus pulled at his own hair, making the scalp red, "Why are we TALKING about this?! For fucks sake Sirius, I just wanted to look after you, because Merlin know what HE wants from you … you've had a lot of people let you down Sirius, believe me, I know I'm one of them … I don’t want to see you hurt again!"  
  
Sirius was silent and when he spoke his voice was icy, "That was a long time ago." Sirius Black, still battling with the remnants of his worst memories as his entire life experience after Azkaban did not need to be reminded of the worst rejections and humiliations of his life. Especially not from Remus fucking Lupin.  
  
"Great … but the point is, I am just trying to look out for you, because clearly you have no intention of looking out for yourself, but if you don’t want that, that’s just fine, I’ll just leave and keep my I-told-you-so’s to myself."  
  
Sirius's eyes had gone dark and wet, but furious. "Oh no, stay, Remus," he whispered harshly, "I just hope the twelve year old you're interested in doesn't lead YOU on for half a year before he finally tells YOU the truth. Oh," he glared, eyes the color of a blade, "thanks for the reminder. Thanks for the reminder that yeah, I've been rejected before too! Thanks for reminding me that I'm a fucking loser no one would ever really want, not for a moment. For a second, I almost thought we could get through this without you being a condescending JERK!" He turned and stormed out of the kitchen, slamming the door so hard that the hinges shook.  
  
Sirius took the servant's staircase two at a time, mad enough to run the entire way and shut himself in his room, almost hyperventilating by the time he locked the door.

 

*               *               *  
 

Brunch was almost ready, the rest of the morning had been very, very quiet. Severus had begged Molly for a task, anything – she had him slice fruit for the fruit salad. Sure, Severus could have used magic, but that wasn't the point – that was never the point – Severus was a hands on sort of person, he needed something to do.  
  
No matter what anyone was doing, enjoying a gift, sipping wine, talking, it was all done in hushed voices, as though someone died suddenly this morning. Harry, Ron and Hermione retreated to Harry's room to try to sort of exactly what all the shouting meant, Tonks was trying to help with brunch but seemed almost clumsier than usual, Dumbledore was enjoying a quiet cup of tea with an odd smile on his face. If someone hadn't died, then something had (a friendship in this case) and no one was sure how to handle it.  
  
Sirius, meanwhile, was exactly where he feared being - alone in a dark room with his thoughts.  
  
Severus turned with the fruit bowl, about to set it on the table when Tonks stepped on his foot and began to trip. Instinctively his arm swung out like a hook and pulled her back upright, balancing the clumsy girl with one hand, and the fruit bowl with the other. "When you walk" Severus reminded her as calmly as possible, "walk with the knife blade pointed down, alright?" He had almost lost his liver.  
  
"Sorry," she laughed nervously, pulling the knife away and pointing it down, "I guess I was just trying to distract everyone with a new emergency."  
  
"Let’s not, alright?" Severus put the bowl of fruit on the center of the table, Molly was just pulling the breakfast casserole out of the oven, and now all that was left … they needed people. "Here, you call everyone together who are still in the livingroom, I’ll get everyone who is upstairs, then we can all eat."  
  
Molly nodded, "That'd be lovely ..."

 

*                    *                    *

 

Sirius was writing in a diary Hermione had given to him, he needed something to focus the storm in his head on.  _What if he's right? What if I just fell for another big lie? What if Snape's just waiting for me to crack and spill all the supposed secrets I have to him in bed ..._  
  
Severus had gone upstairs, up the servants stairs and knocked on Harry’s door first.  
  
 _... There's no real reason for him to like me, let alone actually be in love with me. He hated me for years, he could just be reading my mind about what I remember from the prison. He could just be reading what I need to hear right now._

_... After all, I'm ... I'm lonely and half crazy. It's pretty obvious no one else is going to bother with me, even when I was young no one really wanted to after all. Fuck. At my best, I still wasn't worth anything, was I? So what does that mean now? If no one wanted me then, why WOULD anyone claim they were all of a sudden in love with me yesterday?_

_... Especially Snape._  
  
Harry opened the door, "Oh, um, hi."  
  
"Breakfast is ready." Severus said quietly, though with the usual force that suggested:  _I know better then you, so why don’t you just do as I say_.  
  
"Sure ..." Harry nodded to the other two and the trio filed out of the room quietly, not saying a word as they passed Snape and went downstairs.

Severus waited until they were gone until he turned for Sirius’s room, knocking, but opening the door, letting it swing open as he stood in the door frame, "Breakfast is ready" he was scared to be here – he had been scared before presents were giving that everyone would just laugh at him – _Snape? He doesn’t deserve Christmas, make him wait outside!_    
  
Sirius was sitting on the floor under the window, with the book and he looked up, wary and quiet. "I'm not hungry, maybe later on."  
  
Severus swallowed, "Do you want to just come down, for a little bit?"  _Don’t leave me._  
  
Sirius was quiet, feeling years older than he actually was. "I don't know, maybe ... I don't know."  
  
Severus stood there quietly for a long time, and when Sirius didn't say anything, it forced his hand again, "Do you want me to leave you alone?"  
  
Sirius looked up again, the fight out of his eyes, "You know no one actually trusts me with any secrets or anything, right?"  
  
Severus blinked, then frowned, stepping into the room now that Sirius had engaged him in conversation, "What does that have to do with …?"  
  
"I'm just saying," he breathed, voice flat.  
  
"Ok." Severus tried to puzzle it together, "And you know that I don’t want anything from you, right? I mean … I’d love …" he sighed, sitting on the end of the bed, "love anything you wanted to share with me, but trust me Sirius, I have no expectations. I don’t want anything from you, except for you to be … you."  
  
Sirius looked down, resting his cheek on the top of his pulled up knees. "I'm not saying you're ... not really sincere. I just mean, well, everyone heard all that, right?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
He nodded slowly. "Just that Remus made a good point." The point was so painfully obvious to Sirius that it overshadowed anything else.  
  
Severus’s eyes were trained on the floor, he was waiting. Already making himself empty, _when you’re empty, you can’t feel_. He had done it so many times, for so many reasons, he forgot that it was a habit. He waited.  
  
Sirius looked up at Snape, "No one else has ever looked at me twice. Why should you?" Azkaban had barely left Sirius with his soul intact, he had absolutely no memories of what it felt like to be admired, loved, or even lusted after, just a huge, inexplicable blank where memory had been.   
  
Severus shook his head slightly, leaning his temple against the bedpost, "So you do doubt me. Even after everything I have said, and done … I was right the first time." Severus did not always enjoy being right, "You cannot accept it, you refuse to believe that I am capable of love. Sirius-" his voice choked on the name, "I gave you my answers already, I'm sorry it wasn’t enough … I’m sorry I’m the sort of man no one trusts."  
  
Sirius looked up, grey eyes red around the edges and spilling over, "It's not that you can't love. I'm sure you've been in love, you probably will be, I don't know. But it makes no sense that you'd love me, alright?"  
  
Severus sniffed, "You’re pushing me Sirius … and maybe, no, I know … if the roles were reversed, I would push too … but the roles aren't reversed. I love you. And you can keep pushing me until I break, despite appearances, it’s always been easy, but even then, Merlin save me, I will still love you." Severus saw himself in a strange way, cut and diced up on the floor in very tiny pieces like a cartoon, with a little speech bubble that said ‘still love you’ even with Sirius standing over him with the knife that had cut him up.  
  
Sirius sat for a long time with his face hidden in his hands, trying not to let his shoulders shake. This is the way he sat in Azkaban when he was struggling to keep his mind together, to keep it functioning in a human way. _He's disarmed already, stop looking for weapons_. "I need you to come here."  
  
Severus did. He moved to Sirius’s side, already wrapping his arms around the other man.  
  
Sirius leaned against him a little, head on Severus's shoulder as he breathed deeply, trying to get enough air into his shaking body. "Is he right?" Sirius whispered.  
  
Severus just held Sirius quietly as he used to do, "Right about what?"  
  
"Was I always some pathetic loser no one could stand to be around?"  
  
"What?" Severus did not recall that being apart of the conversation at all, "… wait, what?"  
  
"Was I?" he asked softly. Sirius didn't miss having good memories as much as he missed knowing the truth about who he was. Without the backbone of remembered experience, Sirius didn't know how people used to feel about him, except disappointed in him, suspicious of him, and now - repulsed by him.  
  
"No Sirius. As I saw it …" Severus sighed, "as I saw it, you had everything and everyone you wanted, and if you didn't, you could, very easily. People wanted to be around you, people wanted to be you …"   
  
"Then," Sirius looked at Snape, puzzled, "why does he talk about it as though no one could stand being around me without running off screaming?"  
  
Severus again frowned at this, "I don’t think he was saying that … why do you think that?"  
  
"He said I kept getting hurt, I was always being disappointed by people."  
  
"Oh …" Severus sighed, "Because people did take advantage of you, in different ways. They exploited your loyalty to them, they used you, because sometimes it seemed, you really didn't care … you made others happy before you made yourself happy. That’s why you kept getting hurt."  
  
Sirius took a deep breath, "That's funny, I don't remember ever being able to make anyone happy."  
  
"You made lots of people happy, at your own expense."   
  
Sirius turned his head, breathing against Severus's neck, "All I remember about that time was that I always got rejected in the end, I'd serve my purpose or they'd get what they needed from me, like money, or ... gods know what and then," he closed his eyes, "I'd feel like an idiot all over again, like I was some hideous, needy asshole. And then today, he was talking as though the very idea that someone might actually love me was ridiculous. Like you'd need some sort of big payoff to want to be around me."  
  
"It’s interesting how we see and hear things, isn't it? Because to me, it seemed like he was saying that _I was not capable of love_ , and therefore must be using you, like all the others."   
  
Sirius looked up, "He was saying that _I wasn't capable of being loved,_ and therefore you must be using me, like all the others."  
  
"Again, it is interesting, and unfortunate the way we each interpret the same thing a different way."  
  
Sirius pressed his tear-wet lips to Severus's face.  
  
Severus continued to hold Sirius firmly, securely. "It doesn't make sense to me, as to me, you are very capable of being love, because I love you. But if you don’t believe that, then you don’t believe in yourself being capable of being loved."   
  
He laughed quietly, "Sounds about right," Sirius just rested his face against Severus's.  
  
"I do love you Sirius. My only hope is that one day you might believe me. That’s all."  
  
He nodded, closing his eyes, "It feels like you do."


	3. Chapter 3

Severus never made it to Christmas breakfast. He was called away. Even now, even here, on this day, this morning – with Sirius – with everything – circumstances were never in his favor to begin with; Severus was called away, and it was his duty to obey. Severus Snape did not resurface until just after new year. Back to being hard and cold. For a few hours Severus had been allowed to be himself, and he had since paid for it.  
  
Sirius had stopped sleeping. Period. He was sitting, eyes glazed in front of the fireplace, staring into the flames with dark circles under his eyes. He hoped Remus was right on Christmas morning. He hoped Snape just left and never came back because Sirius had tweaked his plan, it was painful to believe of course, but he had to believe it. The alternative was that Snape was likely dead, discovered by Voldemort and possibly executed.  
  
Severus did not want to talk about it. He had been unreasonably short with Dumbledore, relaying to him only what he needed to know before excusing himself. Severus had spent hours of every day convincing the dark lord that the hint of joy, of love in his heart was the mask he wore while with members of the Order. Severus had done many things, investing a lot of time into making sure the dark lord believed him, the last thing he wanted to do was to talk about it. Severus walked down the front stairs, one hand on the banister to balance his wiry self.   
  
Sirius heard the steps behind him.  _Not Dumbledore, not Remus ..._ He straightened and turned, looking at the doorway, then crossed to it silently, watching whoever it was descend the staircase, into view. Three seconds later, Severus was almost knocked over by a kiss to his lips and arms around him.  
  
Severus barely withstood Sirius pouncing on him, but his arms went around the other man, eyes purposefully closed, holding Sirius close.  
  
Sirius kissed him, hard, holding Severus to his own body, hands curling in the back of his robes as they embraced at the bottom of the stairs.  
  
Severus gasped, shaking a little, reluctant – then kissed Sirius back – he hadn't the opportunity before he left.   
  
"Mmm ..." he moaned softly, "Sev ... ohgodswhere ... I missed you ..." he kissed Snape again, pulling him closer to the wall.  
  
Severus trembled like the last leaf on a tree, too stubborn to fall like the rest, but breaking apart in the meantime. "Can’t-" he gasped, closing his eyes tighter, tears dripping from the corners.  
  
"Can't?" He repeated, expecting more, pausing to see that Severus was crying. Sirius brushed the tears off of Severus's face, "Wait, Sev ... what's wrong?"  
  
"Can’t look-" seeing Sirius now would be to see Sirius through loving eyes, and Voldemort would know, he cried more, "can’t love."  
  
"Can't look? Are you hurt? Something wrong with your eyes? Come on, we'll go upstairs, I'll think of something ..."  
  
Severus allowed Sirius to lead him up stairs, but once they were, Severus still kept his eyes closed, "Pen … paper?" He asked.  
  
Sirius nodded, running around his room and finding them, "Here, pen and paper ... what happened?"  
  
Severus put one finger to his lips then began to write. He used one hand to bracket the paper, while the other wrote, Severus had to keep his eyes closed because Voldemort was watching. His blind penmanship was better then expected, this was not the first time he had done this.  _Can’t look at you. HE is watching, and if I see you through loving eyes, he will know. I cannot love you, for both our sakes. It must be how it was. Only anger. Once you have read this, burn it. I will not risk HIM reading it. With all my love, as forbidden as it might be. Severus_. He handed it to Sirius.  
  
For a long moment there was no sound at all and then the paper crumpled. Sirius rose and walked away, then walked back, touching Severus's face, stilling it as he tied a black. scarf around his shut eyes.  
  
Severus flinched at the first touch that wasn't another crucio to the spine. He reached his hand up and touched the side of Sirius’s face. _I’m sorry. I love you_. He mouthed.   
  
Sirius nodded, his face wet with hot tears. "Sure."  
  
Severus drew Sirius’s body closer, holding him again familiarly. Silent.   
  
Sirius tensed immediately, a hand going to Severus's chest.  
  
Severus let go, head turned to one side, "Have you nothing to say to me?"   
  
Another long, stunned silence. "I did. But not any more."  
  
Severus nodded, letting his hand linger against the side of Sirius’s face, Then he pulled away completely, pulling the scarf off his eyes and casting it to the floor, eyes open, but not looking at Sirius, "Good day Black."  
  
Sirius had his back turned, leaning against the window, shoulders shaking as he bowed his head. "Yeah. See ya," he managed to choke out.

 

*                    *                    *

 

Everyone, if not everyone had tried to get Sirius to come out of his room. It was Severus’s turn. The man threw open the door, seeing Sirius laying out on his bed, "Let’s go Black, out of bed." He was looking at Sirius’s shoulder, "That’s enough feeling sorry for yourself, everyone is waiting for you down stairs. Let’s go."  
  
Sirius just laid on his side, eyes closed.  
  
Severus stepped a little closer, "Come on Black. Let’s go. One cannot wallow in self pity for the rest of their lives."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Severus was quiet, but only for a moment, "No, it’s time to get your lazy ass out of bed. It’s time to get down stairs and socialize, and be with your godson."   
  
Sirius just turned his head, unintimidated, completely indifferent, in fact. "Fuck. Off."  
  
"No." Oh Severus was stubborn, everyone else had tried to get Sirius out of his room, Severus was a last resort, "I'm waiting. It’s time to get over yourself."  
  
Sirius turned over again, back to Snape. "Get out. What the fuck do YOU care?"  
  
Severus stepped closer again, now standing at the side of the bed, looking down at the man he knew he could not allow himself to be around for very long – but it wasn't hard to put up a front of anger – Severus had done it with Sirius for so long, they had fallen back into old habits, "I don’t." Severus said simply, "But Harry needs his godfather, he needs you more then anything. He needs you."  
  
Sirius turned and snapped, "GET OUT! Just get the FUCK out of my room! NOW! Don't you think he's better off without me!?"  
  
"No. I don’t. You are all he has. You are his family! And he NEEDS you."   
  
"He has EVERYONE down stairs! Get OUT before I fucking throw you out!"  
  
"He doesn't NEED them, he NEEDS YOU SIRIUS!" Severus stood his ground as always.  
  
Sirius clenched shaking hands, his eyes glazed over with absolute hatred, "NO ONE NEEDS ME! YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT!"  
  
"Of all the … YOU ARE SO FUCKING SELF ABSORBED! You can’t see ANYTHING."   
  
Sirius got out of bed, "You ASSHOLE! You SELFISH, LYING ASSHOLE!"  
  
"ME?! What …" his eyes narrowed on Sirius, "ah, well, out of bed, that’s a start."  
  
Sirius felt like he'd cried so much that his skin had dried up like sand. Sirius SHOVED Snape. "Get out. I'm warning you."  
  
"I'm not leaving until you come down!" Severus clutched his hands against the side of Sirius’s arms as Sirius pushed him, locking the two in brute force, pushing against the other.  
  
Sirius snarled, his voice taking on a dangerous, shaking animal tone, "Last chance, GET OUT NOW!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Sirius THREW him on the bed, "FINE! You're not going to get OUT!? Don't you know a crazy person when you fucking SEE ONE!?"  
  
Severus was tossed back on the bed like a pillow, like he was nothing - he blinked, "What is in your mind Black?! Let me up!"  
  
"I'll SHOW you what's on my mind!" In a half second, Severus's wrists were held behind his back, and his trousers were being ripped off.  
  
"… SIRIUS!? SIRIUS! S- don’t do this!" Severus genuinely struggled, but the more he struggled, the more his hands were caught up in his robes and his arms bent back.  
  
Sirius didn't reply, he just tore Snape's trousers down and undid his own, pumping his hand around himself a few times, "What, don't I make you hard now?" He pressed his cock between the cheeks of Snape's ass.  
  
Severus’s scream was lost into the blankets, twisting himself into a deadly cocoon of robes and linens – trapped with shame, he was hard, and he couldn't overpower the escaped convict.  
  
Sirius just gripped him harder, spreading him while he pressed himself in, "SHH! What would Dumbledore think of you like this!? Of you now? His little pet, his little spy, SHHH! Don't want Dumbledore to hear you."  
  
Severus’s shamed deepened, and his cries were lost, Severus kept his face buried in the blankets before him, the blankets the smelled like Sirius – crying out again, shoulders shaking as Sirius took him by force.  
  
Sirius groaned, letting his forehead touch Snape's back, "Why ... I ... ohgod ... ohSeverus."  
  
One arm was freed, and Severus reached his hand up in front of him, bracing himself as Sirius moved in and out of his body shamelessly. "Sirius-" he wasn't supposed to want this, "S-top" he wasn't supposed to feel good.  
  
Sirius grabbed his arm and held it down as he thrust into Severus's body, shaking, "Fuck, fuck, fuck ... ohhhhgods, you're tight, so tight, so perfect-"  
  
Severus’s hips pushed back despite himself as his knees slipped, spreading on the bed – Severus groaned, "No--- oooohh" then cried out again.   
  
"Yes, yes.... shhh, there, there oh gods, Severus- Sev, perfect, love this," he was gasping, hammering inside Snape now, curled around his back, whimpering and groaning into the black of his robes and hair. "It's good, it's good, you're good, oh ... ohhh ..."  
  
Severus felt his skin flush,  _no no no_ , and a ghostly feeling in his stomach that had nothing to do with Sirius tearing through his body. Well, maybe it did. Severus screamed out again as he writhed under Sirius, trying to get away, deny himself that orgasm Sirius was demanding of him.  
  
"Come ... ohgods Sev, come on, come on, want to feel you cum-" Sirius was working at a steady pace now, the bed shaking across the floor, headboard hitting the wall over and over again with each thrust. S _everus, Severus ... Severus._ Sirius felt himself start to tense, the heat pooling behind his hips.  
  
"… no, Sirius … I … ca---" Severus pushed back again, body arching under Sirius – his head came up, almost peaceful, serene as he groaned – his body tightened, fingers clawing at the sheets as he came into Sirius’s bed, his thighs shaking with each pulse – screaming out his final shame, his release into the bed – back trembling as his other hand was still pinned against the center of his back.  
  
Sirius couldn't help it anymore, his head fell to Severus's shoulder and he pounded into him over and over, gasping and groaning long and hard as he felt himself erupt inside his former lover, now his captive.  
  
Only a few soft, whimpering breaths indicated that Severus was sobbing silently to himself, muffled in the bed sheets. It was wrong, but for once, Severus did not feel so wretched.   
  
Sirius just laid over him, breathing, the elation fading a little. "Are ... are you okay?"  
  
Severus said nothing, just allowed himself to stay small, curling his free arm in against his chest –  _small, small, small, can’t hurt me if you can’t see me, small, small …_  
  
Sirius curled over him, stroking his arm with a shaking hand, "I ... Sev..." he sighed, "gods, I told you .... I told you to go."  
  
The terrible thing about it was that they both had needed it, that they both never got the chance. Severus remained silent, still except for twisting his wrist out of the sleeve of robe it had been entrapped in, until finally both arms were infront of his chest.  
  
The pureblood closed his eyes, "Are you okay? I ... christ. I'm sorry ..."  
  
"Sirius-" his voice broke on the name, and his back shook again, just after being able to calm himself down enough to breathe, to say Sirius’s name – he took Sirius’s hand, holding it to his arm.  
  
Sirius went silent for a long moment and then let himself relax, shoulders shaking as he breathed deeply. "I can't do this, I can't have you love me one second and hate me the next ..."  
  
"I can’t … I'm not allowed to love." But admitting it brought it all back.  
  
"But you ... it feels like you do." Sirius murmured into the back of Snape's neck.  
  
Didn't Sirius understand? Saying it would mean his death. Maybe he’d done enough damage, maybe Sirius knew, maybe that’s what he wanted. "I do." Severus closed his eyes, he wanted to be sure no one else was listening in.  
  
Sirius wrapped both arms around him, "Don't go back. I don't want you to go back, you've been through enough."  
  
Maybe Severus had been through enough, but he could still push himself to do more, "I have to."  
  
"You don't, Severus..." Sirius moved next to him, looking at him, "Severus, just ... quit. Someone else can spy for a while, this is ... it's torturing you, they're torturing you!"  
  
"I cannot just quit. No one else can do it … do you know, do you know how close I am to him? I've invested so much time … so much-" the experience had also stripped Severus of so much, "I’m so close …" in truth, there was no one else who  _could_  do it.  
  
"You're losing yourself..." Sirius held Snape close, stroking his back, "You're losing yourself, I know what it looks like."  
  
Severus was quiet, stilled in Sirius’s arms. But what if he _was_ losing himself? It was surely worth it. Of course it was. It might even make him more efficient. Hallow, no longer a man, just a machine, a conduit that transferred information to one source to the other.   
  
Sirius kissed him, "You wouldn't let me go when I needed you."  
  
Severus tucked his face against Sirius’s collarbone, "Then hold me, just for a little while."  _Just enough, just so that I have the strength to stand._  
  
"For as long as you want ..." Sirius sighed, pulling Severus closer, kissing his cheek. The pureblood closed his eyes, letting himself lick his own lips before he said what he'd been thinking for months, "I love you."  
  
Severus broke, fingers twisting into Sirius’s shirt, clinging to him, "Don’t- don’t say that."  
  
Sirius swallowed hard, kissing Severus's forehead, "I do. I can't help it, I tried not to, trust me, especially after you disappeared like that."  
  
Severus was silent, holding onto Sirius – he had been so convinced that Sirius hated him, had betrayed him in just the right way to save him – furthermore, he didn't know what was left to love. _Don’t. Don’t. Don’t!_  He warned himself, "I have never stopped loving you." Regardless, the tragedy remained, he wasn't supposed to.  
  
Sirius kissed his lips, finally, he turned Severus's face gently with his hand and kissed him fully. Snape's lips were dry, parched, cracked, but Sirius didn't give a damn, they were Severus's lips.  
  
Severus gasped, hesitant once more as Sirius kissed him – he fisted his hands in Sirius’s shirt as if to threaten him, and he did, kissing him back, hard, longing.   
  
Sirius's leg wound around Severus's, tying their bodies together as their lips locked, furiously. _Missed you, I missed you ..._  
  
 _Don’t let go._ Severus moaned into Sirius’s mouth very softly – his body still aching, though not discomfortable with Sirius winding their bodies together.   
  
Sirius rolled over top of him, still kissing as he held his own weight off of Severus, elbows beside his head.  
  
Severus touched the side of Sirius’s face very carefully, speaking with hushed importance as he slowly opened his eyes, "Tell me if you see something that shouldn't be there." He locked eyes with Sirius, for once looking at him, and not his shoulder or his ear, he had avoided direct eye contact for a long time, just to be safe.  
  
Sirius's eyes looked worn, older, but happy, finally happy as he kissed Severus again with a slow, persuasive tongue. "Mmmm."  
  
Severus swallowed dryly, taking it as a no, kissing Sirius back – not holding back now, desperately longing for what they had been denied – what had been allowed to begin, without proper resolution.   
  
Sirius shifted over him slowly as they kissed, nudging his face as one thigh parted Severus's legs.  
  
Severus whimpered, his hand fisted in Sirius’s black hair, against his scalp – sucking on Sirius’s tongue eagerly.  
  
"Mhm-" Sirius settled himself between Severus's thighs, letting his hands stroke Snape's bared hips, more gently this time before he cupped his ass, kneading it.  
  
"Oh-" Severus had a ‘cloud parting moment’ when it just struck him like a bright light through dark clouds – this was good – he had almost forgotten, and that bothered him. Both of his knees bent, angled in against Sirius’s hips as he kissed Sirius.  
  
Sirius beamed, smiling into the kiss and rubbed his finger over Severus's already slick entrance with a soft moan, "Gods, Sev ... not how I thought our first time would go but ... " he kissed his neck, licking the spot just over Snape's jugular, "want to try again?"  
  
"Show me then, how you would thought it would go…" Severus squirmed slightly at the touch, but did not let go of Sirius.  
  
Sirius kissed his lips again, keeping his hands slow and warm on Severus's body, "Alright ..." Sirius kissed him again, still smiling a little, "is it stupid that I'm nervous?"  
  
"Yes." Severus smiled a little, just the corner of his mouth as he watched Sirius handle him properly.

Sirius laughed quietly, "Shush," he kissed Snape silent as his first finger slipped inside easily, plunging in and massaging the walls of Snape's entrance. The feeling, being able to take his time this time drew a moan from the pureblood.  
  
"Ah-ahhh-" Severus gasped at how good it felt – already stretched and wet, "Sirius-" They kissed again.   
  
Sirius was able to slip another finger in, easily, "Wanted you since the day you kissed me in the livingroom," he panted, kissing Severus again as his fingers scissored and spread gently.  
  
Severus moaned, his hand reached out for Sirius’s arm, cupping his elbow, nudging at it to move his hand, suggesting how slow for Sirius to finger him, "Why?" he breathed, "You didn't believe me."  
  
"You seemed ... so convinced, so stubborn ..." Sirius groaned, slipping a third finger inside, thrusting his hand against Severus slowly and gently.  
  
"Yes?" Severus groaned, "Wanted to prove me wrong?"  
  
"Wanted to shut you up ..." he kissed Snape hard again, easing his hand out and gripping himself with a shaking moan "you're sure?"  
  
Severus whimpered, mourning the loss of Sirius’s hand as he kissed his lips, nodding and mumbling against them, "Yes … Sirius, yes."   
  
Sirius replaced his fingers with his own cock, guiding the head against Severus's relaxed entrance and pushing in, thankful for the slickness of his own still warm cum. "Ohhh ..." he groaned again, biting his lower lip, forehead lowering to Severus's, just panting against him. "Ohhh Sev ..."  
  
Severus wrapped his legs around Sirius’s still surprisingly strong hips, "There-" he said very quietly, "Just stay there" his arms wrapped around Sirius in a similar fashion, clinging to Sirius, a bright star to his lost moth.   
  
"Gods-." he whispered, eyes closed, in awe. "Severus, gods, you feel so good."  _I love you I love you ..._  
  
Severus held onto Sirius quietly, put at ease, feeling safe, secure – not so empty. Sirius had always been the stronger one. "There-" he continued to whisper.  
  
Sirius's arms locked around Severus's shoulders and he started to ease himself inside, slow, long thrusts.  
  
Severus’s legs tightened around Sirius, if he knew one thing, he knew how to hold on. "Yes … Sirius … ohhh" he licked at his dry lips between soft, discreet moans.   
  
"Severus..." he whispered between kisses, starting to build a stronger pulse inside his lover, inside the only person who ever believed the truth about him.  
  
The question was, did Sirius believe the truth about Severus. To be taken at face value, like Voldemort does? Or was there more. And by pressing into Severus in such a matter release said truth? Quite possibly. Severus groaned, "Please … oh … ohSirius, I … it’sgood … you’re so good ..."  
  
Sirius kissed him even harder, deeper and he caressed the back of Severus's thigh, his hand slipping up to palm his cock, "Love ..."  
  
"Don’t let go---" the truth was in his fear of abandonment? "don’t let go of me" they kissed, and he closed his eyes, just to be safe. "Love you Sirius, please … … … do I feel good?" The truth was in his need to feel wanted? Validated?   
  
"Beyond-" Sirius gasped, moving inside Severus, "good, beyond good, love ... I won't let go."  
  
It is a scientific fact that moths navigate by the light of the moon, but when something brighter then the moon – such as a porch lamp – they fly to it, circling it over and over, trying themselves mad, trying to navigate themselves, but unable to – it is just a porch lamp after all. Well, Severus was not attracted to porch lamps. He was attracted to Sirius. And he would have, will have kept himself close to Sirius until one, if not both of them literally burned out. "So good Sirius, so good … please … ohhh … yes ... yes."  
  
"There, there, so... ohgods ... " Sirius writhed, hips slapping against Snape, hand stroking him at the same speed. His voice hitched and his lips parted, "I'm ... close ... close ..."  
  
"Please-" Severus continued, "Please-" he was not one to ask things for himself.  
  
"Want you to ... want you to cum ... Severus, hard for me, please ..." the bed started to rock underneath them as Sirius devoured Severus's neck in long, hot kisses.  
  
Severus sucked on his own lower lip as his body arched under Sirius, ankles digging into the pureblood’s back, "… !" He felt like he should say so many things, somehow express how wonderful Sirius was making him feel – his head tipped back easily and his lips parted with a groan.  
  
"Love .... please love, please love," he kissed Snape again, harder, begging as he thrust over and over, close himself. "Ohgods, wantyouto ..." Sirius's long black hair skimmed Severus's shoulders, his face, just brushing his skin like soft fingers.  
  
Severus cried out against Sirius’s shoulder as his hips snapped, coming between their stomachs – clinging to the other man – face slightly flushed, embarrassed that he had done what Sirius asked him.  
  
"YES, yes,yes,yes...." he moaned, head falling to Snape's shoulder as he cried out, "Oh ..." coming inside Severus again, harder than before, leaving him gasping and ebbing in and out of his lover slowly, riding it out.  
  
Severus’s arms slowly slipped off from around Sirius’s body, falling to the side as his head fell straight back into the mattress below him – his eyes were closed peacefully and he was still breathing – but twice in a row had been twice as much as he’d ever experienced before – Severus had passed out.  
  
Sirius looked at him, "Severus? Sev ..." he watched him closely, then saw him breathing and smirked, just a little before he kissed Snape softly and laid over him. "Love you."

 

*                    *                    *

 

Sirius rested beside Severus, watching him, afraid to fall asleep unless he'd wake up and Severus would be gone again.  
  
Originally Severus had gone upstairs to get Sirius to come down, now he was stuck in the same position. He would never admit it, but he was tired, his body knew it and had made the executive decision to take over – sleeping soundly, holding onto Sirius’s arm.  
  
Sirius stroked his chest, Severus's shoulders, his neck with a smile, soft kisses pressed wherever he could place them.  _Of course, why didn't I think of it before?_  
  
Severus stirred only slightly, "Mmm …"  
  
"Hey," Sirius murmured, "wake up sleeping beauty."  
  
The flat of Severus’s hand fisted against Sirius’s chest, "Don’t joke, I'm not awake yet" he mumbled, then sighed with a soft yawn.  
  
"I have an idea," Sirius kissed Severus's cheek, whispering.  
  
"Hmm? Does it involve more blankets?"  
  
Sirius snickered and kissed Severus's lips, "No, but it means we can be together and you won't get caught."  
  
"I already told you" Severus opened his eyes now, looking at Sirius's throat, "I'm not quitting."  
  
"I know you bloody stubborn oaf," he murmured, "you're too pig headed for that, and I bet you won't let me join or get captured, will you?"  
  
"NO!" Severus was awake now, that would only make things worse, "Don’t … you, don’t you dare do it, don’t you ever say anything so foolish like that again." Severus had stuttered because the comment had truly struck a nerve.  
  
Sirius quieted and nodded, "Okay, okay, I won't ..." he sighed and kissed Severus, "I won't."  
  
"… that wasn't your idea, right?"  
  
Sirius shook his head, "No, no. My idea involves a pensive ... and maybe my having to drag your protesting ass to it to retrieve your memories that prove yes, we're a couple." He rested his chin on Severus's chest, looking at him.  
  
 _A couple?_  Severus was amused, he felt like he should be wearing Sirius’s jacket, and he some … token of his own. "You … want me to … remove my memories?" It seemed dangerous in itself, what if someone _found_ them - what if someone _dumped_ them! They would all be lost, never to be repeated.  
  
"I'll keep it here, in it's OWN room, I can decorate it all nice and crap." Sirius grinned.  
  
Severus was quiet, thinking about it, "I won’t remember you … not how I do now … if I strip them away, I’ll forget …" he touched his hand to the side of Sirius’s face, "I’ll forget you."  
  
"Only until you come back, and you won't forget I exist. I'll remind you. It's okay."  
  
"I’ll forget what you mean to me … I might be cruel … I won’t be pretending, it will be because I don’t remember."   
  
Sirius nodded gravely. "I know, but I ... as long as you come back alive, it's okay. That's all I want."  
  
Severus could not argue logic, it made the most sense if they were to continue on any level together. He was glad that Sirius thought of it, that he understood the draw backs. He nodded slightly, kissing Sirius’s jaw, "Alright" it was not easy, to know that he was going to be giving up Sirius for periods of time.  
  
Sirius closed his eyes, "Then we exist, here." He wrapped his arms around Snape's waist, holding him as they kissed again.

 

*                    *                    *

 

True to his word, Sirius set up the pensive in a small office in Grimmauld place and gave Severus the key to the room, carrying the only other key himself, on a gold chain around his pale neck. "You'll tell me if you still ... I mean if you remove them and you still remember too much, right?"  
  
"Yes." Severus stood over the empty pensive with some apprehension – he knew he had a lot to get rid of – years in fact, rather then the simplicity of a few days, Severus had to sort through years of material that he had carefully locked away, even from parts of his own subconscious – digging it up, he didn't want to lose track of anything.  
  
Sirius watched him, standing across the pensive, for once focused on just one thing. "Should I leave?"  
  
"No, stay … just in case I need reminding of what I'm doing here." Severus brought his wand to his temple, it looked as though he were committing suicide, but instead drew out wisps of memory, one after the other – directed them down into the bowl with the flick of his wrist.  
  
Sirius leaned over the bowl, watching them drop in. "They're bright," he smiled a little, sort of proud.  
  
Severus had kept his mind as secure as any Gringotts vault, if not better. So he gripped his other hand against the side of the basin, some of the memories pained him a great deal to tear away from where they had been tucked safely away for so long. He said nothing, only leaving the thought ‘purge Sirius’ at the forefront of his mind.   
  
There were train rides, and food fights, holiday breaks, and quidditch games – particular full moons and afternoons out by the lake. Then long nights, cold and dark, bodies curled against the other – time after time – the bodies time lapsed, growing older, frailer.  
  
Sirius almost reached out to touch him, but stopped himself, having to step back from the pensive. He didn't think it would be this hard. Sirius felt shadows in the room cover him over, he could feel himself fade out of Severus's mind and reached up, just closing his fist over the key around his neck.  
  
Then being discovered by Sirius – Christmas Eve – Christmas day. Until at last the memories were current with present time, Sirius suggesting that his memories be put away for safe keeping. Then Sirius was gone. Only the darkest encounters remained and Severus stood there, breathing deeply, eyes closed as he held himself steady against the pools of memory in the pensive. He opened his eyes, frowning at the sample images floating around before him, it seemed like a joke.   
  
Sirius stayed quiet, just watching Severus from the shadows, watching his face go colder than he'd ever thought they would.  
  
When Severus looked up, so did his wand – he reverted back to how he had once been – hex first, get answers later – Sirius was blasted against the wall and bound to it as Severus scowled, "Spying on ME Black?"   
  
Sirius coughed, the breath knocked out of him, "Spying? This is my house!"  
  
"You've been warned, stop looking into my affairs!" Severus cast a charm to seal up the pensive as he stepped closer, wand to Sirius’s throat, eyes narrowed, demanding the truth, "What were you doing here then?"  
  
"I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up you were in here doing Merlin knows what."  
  
"That’s right … Merlin knows,  _not you_  Sirius Black." Severus backed away carefully, just to the door of the room, only then releasing Sirius before disappearing down the hall.  
  
Sirius coughed, gasping a little, rubbing his throat and following, watching Severus leave before he locked the door behind him with a sigh. "Love you."

**Author's Note:**

> co-authored. originally written for thestralskinphoenixtears


End file.
